Be sure to check out our series on how to love your wife in ministry:

1. Part 1: 5 Ways to love your wife daily (Current article)
2. Part 2: Loving your wife: a long term strategy

We pastors are a strange breed. Discussing numeric growth, a theological position, a recent mission trip, ministry goals, future plans, denominational controversies, and a host of other things come so naturally to many of us. Most pastors and ministry leaders are a wellspring of information on something.

[Loving your wife] is vital if we are going to have a fruitful ministry over the long-haul.

In this post, we are going to discuss a topic that is critical for every married pastor. I believe this subject is vital if we are going to have a fruitful ministry over the long-haul.

I’ll begin by asking some simple yet very important questions:

• How is your wife doing?  If she is a pastor’s wife, she has a hard job.
• Is she struggling?
• Does she feel valued by you?
• Does she feel like she is a priority in your life?  
• Does your wife or the ministry come first?

A healthy marriage is a solid foundation for ministry. 

There have been times I assumed I knew the answers to all of these questions. That, my friend, is a dangerous thing. If you have not recently asked your spouse questions like these, you should. A critical foundation for the ministry of every married leader is a healthy, happy, and strong marriage. Remember we are to be “one flesh” (Gen 2:24), and our marriage is to be a picture of the gospel (Eph 5:31-32). A healthy marriage is a solid foundation for ministry. 

Before I begin to share some of what I’ve learned about marriage, a few disclaimers are in order. First, I’m not a professional counselor. Second, for me, understanding women is as mysterious as the Bermuda Triangle. Third, I do not claim to be an authority on marriage and admit everyone is different. Everything I’ve learned about my own marriage has come from the mistakes I’ve made and the wisdom of Scripture.

My Goal is to make my wife feel loved and important. I want her to know that she is a priority.  This presents a challenge for many of us in ministry. The demands of ministry can work against this goal. Meetings, weird hours, a busy schedule, and stress are some of the things that can take my focus off of my wife. So, I have to be disciplined to connect with her each day. So, I have a couple of “standard operating procedures” that help me connect each day. My goal is to do the following each day:

Here are some of the things I try to do on a daily basis to love my wife well:

1. Ask her what you can pray about.

For a long time, I assumed I knew how to pray for my wife. That was a mistake. You need to ask your wife what is going on in her life and in her heart. You need to ask specifically how you can pray for her on a regular basis.

I like to ask my wife: “What are the top three things I can pray for you today?” When I ask her this question I am usually surprised by at least one of the requests … Great is the mystery that is a woman.

2. Texting her a couple times a day.

I recognize this may not be a shocking revelation. However, it’s a practical step that does not come naturally to me. I’m a very task-oriented individual. So, when I have a big project going on I’ll focus on that project (to the exclusion of many other things at times). I’ll forget about other things, including checking on my loved ones. This is a bad habit. So, I make it a point to text my wife a few times a day regardless of what I’m doing. It might as simple as “Hey, how are you?” or “love you!” I might send her a good sermon podcast for us to talk about later. These small acts remind my wife I am thinking about her. She is a priority. I don’t know if every wife of a pastor would want to be texted every day by their man. However, this I do know: mine does.

3. Take time to really talk (men, that means really listen)

Are you and your wife connecting in meaningful conversation each day? Is she sharing some of her hopes, joys, and fears? Do you care what is going on in her heart?

You should.

I can’t assume a decent conversation is going to happen spontaneously. I need to be ready by asking questions and being prepared to listen each day. This usually happens for us once we get the kids to bed. It is late, we are often tired, but it’s worth it.

4. Stay emotionally connected by going deep

If you don’t have anything to talk about with your wife, that had better change. You don’t have to share all of the same interests, but you better share something.

•  We connect best when we are discussing a good sermon podcast (often shared over text, see #2)
• We also discuss some of the Scriptures we read in our personal devotional time
• Sometimes we share excerpts from the books we are reading

Sharing sermons, Scriptures, and book excerpts provide lots of topics for us to talk about. I’d rather discuss theology with my wife over anyone. It’s a fun and rewarding exercise.

5. A note to ministry wives

We men are not always great at figuring out what our wives really need, even after years of marriage. You might need to print this article, highlight anything that applies, and add a few other points to the list. Then, take it and put it in the hands of your husband with a look that says “read this.”  

Don’t assume your husband is going to figure out how to love you well without your help. He needs your help.

These are just a few simple daily goals that help me connect with my wife. My goal is to make my wife feel loved and important.

Growing a healthy and strong marriage takes time, effort, and discipline over the long haul. You can have an awesome marriage even when serving in a challenging ministry assignment.

In part two of this series will talk about what you can do weekly, every six months, and every three years.